Convulsion

I kill all chances of talking to him usually. Silly me, or it's all part of the process of wrenching myself from him. I make it a point to avoid msn unless necessary. I can't stand the sight of his name, and knowing that he is there and we are not talking.

Our paths often cross, but it never meets.

Some joke that God is playing I guess. But I was told that God played no jokes. (What say you Shao and Chris?) Perhaps he ain't part of God's plan for me. Yet why did the good Lord send him along at my neediest moment. Or perhaps it was the folly in me that randomly sought some stray off the street to love. Yes, a stray. Perhaps it was all the recklessness and humour in him that lead me to love him. He was wild. Far from my idea of properiety. But that was what drew me to him, he brought a smile to my face with his craziness. The sole individual who could put a smile on my face.

I build impossible love stories each day in my head. Infinite possibilites fill this love-lorn head of mine. I never cease to tire of it. I basked in the sweetness of these imaginations. I am on my path to being a schizophrenic.

Shackled

Perhaps today is the start of forgetting. For months I have loved him - unquestioning and unconditionally. I still do love him. But for once, for the first time, I saw the flaws in him with my own eyes. For months I have been told that the guy was no good for me, I deserve better. I refused to believe it, fixtated that he was the one. Or however arrogant that it may sound, I knew it was true. We were just too different. But love allowed me to accept it. He was far from my ideal. But he stole my heart.

I met a friend today, he summed it up in a line - "Ditch the bastard".

Yes, he was a hazard to my mental health, the unspoken one. I lied and I said I did. But I knew better. How could it be when you have just cried buckets over him the week before.

My dear friends, I plead that you remain silent. Let sleeping dogs lie. Ask me no questions and I tell no lies. To the knowing ones, we shall speak when we meet.

Sense and sensibility is what I seek. The heart yet denies them entry.

I am still hoping. Fool am I. Perhaps I should remind myself -"Ditch the bastard".

Yet, I seek someone to blame. We could not even begin. Is this some joke that I have to bear. While he frolicks in the meadow, it is hurt that I carry. He loves not me and love only shall bring me equanimity. Oh Lord, I say a little prayer that it may begin. For it can be something beautiful. Fate may tease and distract. But I shall remain constant till I am halt and hoary. Or perhaps till the next dear that shall steal and patch my wounded heart.

But for now, I shall send you my kisses over the wind. May you feel them carressing your cheek. I shall call your name and may you hear them whisper as you sleep. And come one day, may I feel the wind that carries your love to me.

I run unbridled. I am a kite set free. No one can rein me in. I just pray that you can love me.

When shall my heart be freed from servitude?

To My Dears With Love

To my dearest friends out there who knows what's going on. I just want to tell you that I love you girls lots too. BIg Hugs to you great people in the world.

To Alista,
I love you loads. For being there always. Forever the one who would pick up my crappy calls. Hear me whine ad nauseum about the same stuff. For prattling away wth me in our beloved dialect. I love you for always being there. Thank you dear.

To Andritz,
May you be happy always, I hope to attend a wedding in about 4 years, I love you too. For always being there in the know, stuck in between but ever understanding. Thank you.

To Chris,
I may not call you. But I know that you are there for me. I love you too and a big hug! For always being the practical one who attempts to knock some sense into my empty vessel, thank you dear. For teaching me how to make eclairs and always being the one who provides scrumptious food. My deepest gratitude to a lady of grace.

To MK,
I may be out of your life a lot. But I wish you the best. May you be happy - forever happy from now on. Same here, I hope to attend a wedding in 4 -5 years. Love.

To Siewx,
I love you loads too!!! For being my best buddy in NTU - a big thank you. For helping me cope in this ulu kampong I can't say how grateful I am. For being there with me for the whole horrendous affair with you-know-who. Thank you. Big Hug!

To Shao,
I will love you always though we fight a lot. For being one of my key spiritual pillars, thank you. For being ever sweet to me in your own special way, I love you loads for it. For having such a great family who knows me, thank you.

To Jen Jen n Mei Hui,
For being good and wacky company in this ulu place. I love you too. Thanks for hearing me whine incessantly over the same thing.

To XQ,
For being good company in Jap class and supportive of me through these busy days - thank you.

To Y,
You may not know it, but I love you loads. You made me the saddest person many a times. Yet you have brought me much joy by your existence and smile. May you love me in turn one day.

Yummy...