December

Alright, last day of November. December will be here in a couple of hours - the music, the blues. It's a love-hate relationship with this month of paradox. A month that I look forward to, yet loathe its impending end. It's the beginning of an end, and the end of a beginning. What a loopy time of the year!

December terrifies me. The looming thought of an end of a year and the start of a new school year fills me with dread. I would get twitchy eyelids days before the end of the year and there would be this mad scramble to complete my holiday homework. I detest that part of it. Shopping for that dreaded pair of BATA shoes was a pain in the ass. Textbook shopping was an absolute chore, it was this hurried mad rush to get things done. (I come from a family of procastinators.)

I love this feeling of specialness in December, where everything appears so magical. When hearts soften, and things become beautiful. I love that part of it. I love my family moments where we gather for the Christmas party (Singaporean-styled). I secretly laugh and relish the moments where we would weigh ourselves at these parties, and everyone would poke fun of my weight. (Gosh, I am heavier than my uncles, can u believe it!) I love my screaming cousins and the clack of the mahjong tiles. The blasting tv that no one is watching. I love demanding for supper right after the Christmas dinner to make everyone gasp. I love this charitable feeling in me that makes me want to help the world. (PS, I am volunteering for SPCA this Christmas, they will be running some booths at shopping centres to sell shirts, diaries etc. Do give them your support! Will keep you posted on this.) That's my December.

Ironically, I love Christmas in rainy Singapore. Chuck the white snow. I like the rain!

Girls are just born bitches (Revised)

I just hope that you haven't read this post. But if you have, let's say that the deletion of this post is a manifestation of guilt. My apologies.

A Parody of Words

I have been taking comfort in words of late. I am glad my friends get an inkling of what I ramble about. But sobs, I have not experienced literary growth and thus I am thoroughly upset with self. My dearest Shao and andritz, I have got a confession to make. I am kinda baffled by you literary comments. And I believe it is of no fault of yours but mine, as I have chosen to let myself sink into the deepest of despair. I am baffled by the names of Beckette, Kaftka and Shaw. I have forgotten the literary greats in weeping and wrapping myself in this myopic cocoon. I deplore the work I do each day for they are nothing more than emptiness to me. I have ceased pursuing my dreams for a person so trite, yet who I hold so dear. I have forgotten tomorrow's past, and the dynasties that rise and fall.

I have thus gathered dust in the rickety brain of mine, and have been nothing but a fool. My grey matter has since degenerated into mush. And now, I spot this glaring conflict in my words. A rickety brain would not exist if it had turn into mush. Call the asylum someone, I need a shrink!

And yes, my title does not make sense.

To My Love

To My Love,

It's in all futility that I am writing this to you. It will never get to you. You have hardly felt my presence, much less the existence of something as intangible as a blog. I have at best, existed as a friend who comes to your help when you are in need. A friend to make polite talk with, a friend to hide behind, a friend to stare at if I happen to look pretty in your eyes that day. And I cease to exist as anything more from that point.

My dear friend, forgive me for blaming you. For I loved you so much and it pained me greatly when you denied my love. It was a brutal shove to a little girl who was trying to grow up and find her feet. How I adored you when you came along! The sunshine of your smile that radiated infectiously in the room. The ludicrous jokes that you never cease to make. You brought a smile to a face that was stained with tears.

But you drove me to despair when you fell for another girl. I could only watch you from afar, patient. Taking comfort in your happiness and seeking solace from the quiet of the night. I could only bury my tears in the softness of the pillow and allowed the wind to carry my sorrow. When things fell apart between you and her, I caught you neatly in my lap. Shielding you, and hoping that it will be my turn to be loved by you. But it was not meant to be, for there were fairer creatures out there worthier of you time and attention. For I was only a little girl who loved flowers and fairies in your eyes, and you demanded more.

My love, how I would have loved to watch you shine! I would have loved watching you grow. I would want to tell you each day how much I love you and how proud of you I was. I would want to hold your hand and keep it warm, and tread with you through your dark times. I would stand behind and let you take the stage. I would have showered you with hugs and kisses, and tip-toed to peck you on your forehead!

But alas, you love not me. For 8 months, I lead my life around you. Loving you relentlessly. Hanging up my dreams for you. Waiting for you to love me. But now, I guess it's time I let you go. For deep down inside, I know that I will never be the girl you can love. Even the gods deem so. It's time for me to learn to stand on my own again. To walk without weights dragging around my heel. To run unbridled free and happy once again. To cast a veil over the sun of your smile and bury the memories of time we spent deep into the sands. Drown out the sound of your voice and blur the shadow of your back. To deafen my ears to the quiet stealth of your walk. It's time I learn to let go.

I have got to let my hair flow free and lift my head high. Shake away the dust from my dreams and let them fly. Find my feet and soar high. I have to kiss you goodbye. I thank you for picking me up once. But, I can't be breathing down under for long. My mind is coming undone. But I shall love you always, for being my first.

Love,
T

Look What You Have Done

Dig out this heart of mine
For it is dead.
Place it in a box and
Send it to him.
Look what you have done.
You heartless cad
You killed me.
Who is this long-haired creature
I see staring before me.
Shadow of self
A mind undone
Look what you have done.

My Brother, My Best Boyfriend and His Misguided Brilliance

To E With Love

To E with Love,

Just imagine that this is a pretty envelope with your name “E” scrawled over in my sloppy handwriting with purple marker. I would have preferred to do that, but my words can’t wait and I fear that my memory may fail me.

It’s been nearly a year- out in the open, unleashed, unguided. And I have to thank you for taking care of me for the past year, steering me in the right direction, listening. I wonder if we grew. I guess you did and I evidently didn’t. Somehow, I became a kid all over again. Retreating, fearing and hiding.

My memories of happiness this year have been scant, perhaps one. Even the 3 weeks in Japan drew nothing but tears from me. I would spend long hours on the Shinkansen looking out of the window crying to the bleak landscape. Visited countless temples in search of an answer but only to find nothing. I am glad you found happiness. At least, your happiness can compensate for the lack of mine.

I am sorry that this room mate thing did not work out. I am sorry that I have been absent and nothing but trouble for you. I am sorry that I could no longer look after you like I once did. I can no longer watch over you always and hold on to you like I once did, KX has to take my place now. But I promise you that I will be there for you if you ever fall, to catch you in my capacity as a kid, as a person who is struggling to find her own feet in life.

I can only say, “Take care and be good”.

Love,
T

Change - Bah...

Yup change is good. But the trick of it all is to embrace it. If I was able to, letting him go would be easier. I would have met more people instead of attempting to rip up every guy like a hostile tiger. Bah...

I need a new life... If only I could pack my bags and go on a walkabout. I would find a place to sit and weep - undisturbed. I would strain my ears to listen to the wind and feel the waters. I would watch the day go by and attempt to let go of my sadness. Capture confusion and float it out into the sea. Bury my hate and bitterness deep into the sand. If only.

A Message to All Readers

1. If you are reading my blog on the sly - own up. I wanna know who you are. (Well, I know it's kinda futile asking. But if you read this on the regular. Say something! Phantom readers unveil yourself!)
2. My dear friends who have some vague idea about literature, if you know what I am talking about in my poems and prose. Kindly do a mini pc on it. Must as well let some good come about it. Let's see how stimulating they can get.
3. It's all a cat and mouse game ain't it?

Prancing on the Meadow

I carried this seed of love for anons
That bear no fruit.
Deviod of the sun of his smile,
The gentleness of his touch.
It shall not bloom
And buried it shall lay.

On the ramble he goes,
Fair and bright butterflies flutter
On the chase he goes.
But the dull moth lays await,
Undisturbed, quiet.

Freak

I wrote something on my handphone and I deleted it by accident. Yup, it's another mushy love poem. Oh lucky you! Spared the agony of another sappy piece. I seriously need to get a notebook. Crap.

On Religion

I have been grappling with issues of religion of late. Buddhism VS Christianity. The latter being my long-held faith. My Faith that I have struggled with over the years. The years of being a backslider. The occasions of being the prodigal son where I run back to the Lord begging for forgiveness and help. The anger. The frustration. The denial of my culture's main faith. The doubt and ambiguity that has kept me at bay. Yet the mystery that enthralled me and drew me with its hypnotic chants. Hypnotic not in the negative sense, but in its own queer way that casts a transient sense of relief upon my heart. The serene statue of Buddha that compels me to cast myself before him and weep. Or the Catholic Churches that has never cease to captivate me with its architecture, the prayer cushions that bear the imprint of my knees. The times where I have sob before the cross, seeking for an answer, praying for his love.

My aimless spiritual journey. My many questions. My regrets.

The issue of Karma has drawn me of late. I wonder. Have I met you in my past life time? I guess we did. We must have owned each other a debt in our previous lives, therefore we have come together again to pay this debt. Karma - created and destroyed each day. Will I meet you in next? Clear our debts to each other and we shall never meet again. Our paths shall not cross and we shall go our separate ways.

Karma

Cause I want to pay out my debts to you in this life, and I never want to see you again in next. Therefore I weep.

Mend me up!

Tell me what can I do to ease this broken heart?
This wretched heart that has been
Shattered into a million shards.
Oh patch it up good Lord!
I plead thee.
Mend me.

You sent the unspoken one along my way to mend a broken spirit. But you unmended me. Oh weak fool I am. Love me is all I plead.

Drops

"A mighty pain to love it is, and 'tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain."-Abraham Crowley

I wonder sometimes if I have shed enough tears to fill a cup. A brimming, overflowing cup of sorrow carrying my hurt and disappointment. I have gone ad nauseum over the same issue that it bores my poor victims endlessly. To my poor unfortunate friends - my deepest apologies.

The folly in me. I weep as I write. Words can no longer carry my pain. They just serve as an echo of the emptiness in this wretched heart of mine. The human touch I lack. The human spirit I seek. The smile that I yearn. All to take away this pain. This frivolous hurt that I brought upon myself.

"I hurt myself by hating you." - Hurt by Christina Aguilera

Desperation at its utmost. There is nothing that I would not do to hear those words "I love you".

My mind is no longer lucid.

LOSER!

Yep, I AM A WORM. A PATHETIC LOSER. You girls should know why. I reek of desperation. LOSER! Raise the loser flag......